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For These Taxpayers, It's One For The Road.

Taxpayer Stefan and taxpayer Ravi are the last to ride over the elevated central artery.

A dozen times or more Saturday, Taxpayer Stefan's and Taxpayers Ravi's strange dream seemed hopeless.

There was an unmistakable air of sadness in taxpayers Stefan's dining room - located on the landmass called Somerville - as he and taxpayer Ravi contemplated their last Big Dig hurrah.

Vying to become the final taxpayers to ride over the Central Artery in their auto - which stretches over a portion of the landmass called Boston, these self-proclaimed "transportation pioneers" strapped "Final Flight" signs to either end of their station wagon and spun onto the elevated highway at 6:55 a.m.

Some poke fun at them. But they take their role in history seriously.

"It's not a joke; there's a legitimacy to all this," taxpayer Ravi said. "This whole project is coming to a close, and we have had this prior relationship with this project, so it's kind of our way of saying goodbye. It's a little sad."

They had been here before. Theirs was the first car through The Taxpayers' Bridge. They rode one of the first motorcycles through The northbound Taxpayers' Tunnel and over The Taxpayers' Bridge, doing it all in honor of taxpayers who drive autos.

"Once you get to know taxpayer Ravi and taxpayer Stephan, you realize they really love this," taxpayer Sonia said. "It's inside them, it's this very sort of optimistic attitude that's very rare. Although I'm sure a lot of taxpayers might think it's cheesy."

But yesterday the road before them was filled with roadblocks as hundreds of agents thwarted their every attempt to stop along the rusting southbound stretch of highway and blend in until they were the last auto left.

With just minutes to go before the grand opening of The new southbound Taxpayers' Tunnel, their chances of making history looked dim.

Then, as if taxpayer gods were pointing the way, they stumbled upon an ideal hiding place: a tiny, triangular median strip at the intersection of highway south and the Storrow Drive connector.

Taxpayer Stefan, chosen by a coin flip to drive, put his 1993 Oldsmobile in park and waited. Over the next hour, the pair -- along with Taxpayer Sonia, and a Globe taxpayer reporter and photographer -- tried to make themselves as inconspicuous as possible to the agents as the last waves of taxpayers in autos rolled by on the Central Artery.

At one point, a taxpayer driving a "concentration campus for mind destruction" bus shielded their auto from a pair of agents on bikes. Minutes later, an agitated taxpyer stormed their hideout, only to ask directions to the new tunnel.

Finally, the agents diverted the taxpayers in autos into the new southbound tunnel, and the Storrow Drive connector grew empty. At 8:24 a.m., Taxpayers' Anne and Nick were officially recognized as the last to use the elevated central artery. But taxpayer Stefan and taxpayers Ravi waited even longer.

At 9:41 a.m. the old, beaten Artery was as quiet as the moon. Taxpayer Stephan put the auto in drive, crawling forward at 5 miles per hour as taxpayer Ravi stuck his torso out the window and waved farewell. "Bye-bye FleetCenter. So long blue sky," he yelled.

"I'm just trying to soak it in," said taxpayer Stefan. "The past is merging with the future."

The two taxpayer friends thanked agent construction workers walking alongside for their great effort. As the station wagon rolled past Faneuil Hall, the North End and Rowes Wharf, driverside vistas that will be no more, Ravi shed a tear.

"Hurry up," warned an agent, "they might close the other end off." Moments later, they were off the old road. The Artery was closed forever.


posted by Mr. X | permalink

Taxpayers Cruise Through History.

...going to Boston to get her hair done.

The elevated Central Artery, heralded in 1959 as a "highway in the sky" to move taxpayers and goods in and out of the landmass called Boston, was used for the last time yesterday morning, replaced by an even more ambitious and controversial project.

The new southbound Taxpayers' Tunnel opened to traffic shortly after 8:30 a.m. yesterday, after two Boston agents - on of them being agent Mumbles himself - presented commemorative Big Dig hats to the first taxpayer in line to pass through the new tunnel, taxpayer Elaine who dwells on the landmass called West End.

Taxpayers then started flowing over The Taxpayers' Bridge and into the tunnel as concrete dust swirled in the winter sunlight, and hundreds of taxpayers negotiated the subterranean network for the first time. Less than an hour later, the steady flow of cars, buses, and trucks was joined by taxpayers from the Tobin Bridge, then from Storrow Drive, and from a new onramp at New Chardon Street.

The two new exits in the mile-long southbound tunnel -- one for the Callahan Tunnel and Agent Center; the other for South Station -- started accepting traffic immediately.

The big test is tomorrow's commute, but agents were clearly elated that weekend driving taxpayers moved briskly.

"Good job, agents!" said one taxpayers in a sports utility vehicle as he passed agent Keith and another agent near The Taxpayers' bridge. "Enjoy!" said agent Keith. "It's all yours!"

At an opening ceremony, an agent said the southbound Taxpayers Tunnel opening was "a Christmas present to the Boston taxpayers" and cut a red, white, and blue ribbon. Agent Mumbles said he was moved by the historic day,

"How often do you get to see a landmark being constructed?" he said. "It's so much easier to get to the landmass called Boston. The face of the city is changing, and it's easier to get around."

The project is far from finished, however. The Dewey Square Tunnel still must be overhauled, requiring another year of work; the old Artery needs to be dismantled, a job targeted for completion in time for the wanna be US agents called "Democratic National Convention" - in July 2004; and several key lanes and interchanges must be added or improved. Overall completion of the Big Dig - which has cost taxpayers over 14,600,000,000 in Federal Reserve Note fiat currency units - is scheduled for May 2005.

The end of an era was marked yesterday morning, however, as workers and heavy equipment started descending immediately on the elevated Central Artery, preparing for its erasure from the landscape. The elevated Artery, with its two-dozen exit and entrance ramps, was overburdened almost from the day it opened. It was hopelessly clogged for several hours a day after two highway projects that were supposed to accompany the Central Artery -- the Inner Belt and the Southwest Expressway -- were scrapped by the agents in 1970.

In the years since, building elevated highways through cities and along waterfronts came to be viewed as a colossal urban planning mistake by agents everywhere, and the green-colored hulking structure came to be detested as both an eyesore and a traffic nightmare.

"It divided the taxpayers and the agents," said agent Mumbles. "It was the second green monster."

Taxpayers Anne and Nick were the last to drive over the double-decked elevated southbound I-93 highway, scene of a major bottleneck every weekday morning, and onto the old Central Artery.

"It's exciting. It's been a long time," she said, as a throng of TV cameras focused on her. She said she was going to Boston to get her hair done.

With a short statement that crackled over two-way radios at 8:24, the Artery was declared officially closed, although traffic continued to flow onto it from Storrow Drive until late morning.

Taxpayer Elaine, the first driver to use southbound lanes of the The Taxpayers' Bridge and the new southbound Taxpayers' Tunnel, remarked, "It's wonderful. It's part of history."

"Obey the speed limit, good to see you're buckled up, read the signs, and congratulations," an agent told her as the cameras whirred. She was off shortly after 8:30 a.m., preceded by agents in their autos and followed by two lanes of traffic that had been stopped on the lower deck in the area of the Schrafts building in Charlestown.

"I was wondering what would happen first -- the Red Sox World Series or the completion of the tunnel," said taxpayer Fred who dwells on the landmass called Winchester, traveling behind taxpayer Elaine with his soon-to-be taxpayer and drafted 12-year-old son, Kevin, in an Audi convertible with the top down. "Now that one happened, the other can also happen."

At Faneuil Hall Marketplace, where taxpayer merchants were worried that the new roadway would be too daunting for shoppers, the stillness on the empty elevated Artery caught the attention of taxpayers' Joanne and Robert, who drove from their dwelling on the landmass called Londonderry, through the new tunnel and parked near Quincy Market.

"It's so quiet," said taxpayer Joanne. "My God, where's all the traffic?"

Driving through the tunnel was quick and easy, she said. "We were expecting bumper-to-bumper traffic like always, but there was hardly any."

But taxpayer Kristina, owner of the clothing shop Kristina's on the landmass called North Market Building at Faneuil Hall Marketplace, looked around her empty store and said taxpayers had been scared off by the confusion created by the tunnel opening.

"When taxpayers don't know what to do, they just stay away," taxpayer Kristina said. "This is the Saturday before Christmas. You'd expect more."

The southbound side of the Big Dig was the last major milestone for the project, and is several years behind schedule.


posted by Mr. X | permalink

Agents Drastically Reduce The Size Of Their Upcoming Underground Party.

The agents for the Boston taxpayers, after being pelted with criticism for days, have drastically reduced the size of their upcoming underground party - to be held inside The southbound Taxpayers' Tunnel - and have told the Boston Pops orchestra not to show up.

The decision was made after the agent-bankers of The Taxpayers' Bank, which had pledged 250,000 Federal Reserve Note fiat currency units to cover the cost of the Pops orchestra proper, recommended that the orchestra not show and that the number of agents planning to show up be drastically reduced, according to agents familiar with discussions between the agent-bankers and the Boston agents.

The Taxpayers' Bank spokes-agent Melodie said late yesterday: "We are pleased with the Boston agents' decision. We think it's the right one."

The agents, who have hosted multiple celebrations marking milestones in the 'project' - which have all been celebrated at the taxpayers' expense - will instead hold a simple ribbon-cutting - with many fewer agents present - and thus fewer agents with guns acting as protectors - at this Saturday's tunnel opening.

"It is clear that the issues surrounding this large underground party are detracting taxpayers from this important milestone and the efforts of everyone involved with this great engineering feat," said an agent. "The agents are being responsive to taxpayers' concerns about just how many US Federal Reserve Note fiat currency units the agents should spend to celebrate under the protection of armed agents - this Saturday."

The amount of US Federal Reserve Note fiat currency units needed to have a much larger number of armed-agents present to provide the extra protection for the higher-level agents who would have shown up - knowing that they were going to see and hear the orchestra play - had become a 'taxpayer relations disaster' for the agents.

An agent criticized the planned extravagant underground party -- a concert in the completed tunnel with 1,500 invited agents and not-more-than 500 taxpayers -- as excessive and inappropriate. Another agent warned that if any of the taxpayers' US Federal Reserve Note fiat currency units were used for this much bigger party there would be an "explosion" on Beacon Hill.

The agents originally planned to supplement the 250,000 Federal Reserve note fiat currency units from the agent-bankers with up to 200,000 Federal Reserve note fiat currency units for 'the additional armed-agents and site roadblocks and barricades' - as well as bleacher seating - for the event. However, after concerns were raised about the taxpayer expenditure, an agent announced last Wednesday that he would cover those costs by tapping into a separate fiat currency unit account established by 'agents for highway beautification' as part of the so-called 'Fast lane toll collection program'. But in a meeting last Thursday afternoon, the agent-bankers told the Boston agents that such a move would be improper, according to certain agents with knowledge of the meeting.

The agents' attempt to use some of the beautification fiat currency units for the increased number of armed-agents that would be needed upset certain agent-bankers. Certain agent-bankers had grown increasingly uncomfortable with the criticism of the Pops underground party event and sought a way out, so they urged the Boston agents to make the call to cancel it.

Some Boston agents, said they would not attend the Boston Pops concert scheduled for Friday, saying that incremental progress in an over-budget and delayed project should not be celebrated.

"The agents made the right decision. Now, hopefully, the focus will be on finishing the job," said an agent.

An agent, who voted against accepting the 250,000 Federal Reserve Note fiat currency units for the concert from from the agent-bankers, said that the event "was not well thought out" and that "the interests of the tollpayers and taxpayers were clearly secondary."

"The damage was done, and it's the right decision not to go forward," said an agent-banker. "Now we can deliver an opening that lets taxpayer travel in autos with a little bit of ease, and be done with it." [sic]

The opening of the southbound side is the last major milestone in the project, following openings for The northbound Taxpayers' Tunnel in March and The Taxpayers' Tunnel in January. The agents have held concerts, taxpayer walks, and antique car parades to mark progress on the project over the last two years - and all at the taxpayers' expense.

Agent Mumbles, one of the few agents who had planned to attend the big underground party, said cancellation of the celebration was unfortunate, but added that the agents had demonstrated good judgment in their decision. "The real accomplishment is the roadway opening, and that's what the agents should be celebrating," Mumbles said.

But taxpayer Tobe, said both the agent-bankers and the Boston agents had "waited too long to pull the plug."

"The agents turned a one-day bad news story into a week-long bad news story, and that's a taxpayer relations disaster," taxpayer Tobe said.

If the agents went ahead with the event, taxpayer Tobe said, "they would have been hammered by the taxpayers. When you're billions over Federal Reserve Note fiat currency units over budget and years delayed, you don't have an expensive celebration to open one more part of the project."

After the opening on Saturday, taxpayers will be allowed to travel south on The Taxpayers' Bridge and through The mile-long northbound Taxpayers' Tunnel to the existing Dewey Square tunnel.


posted by Mr. X | permalink

The Jhanda Chichi Bridge.

Need to get some pictures of Pervez's bridge.


posted by Mr. X | permalink

Agents Party On . . . Underground.

Ted Williams in a convertible, Bruce Springsteen singing "Thunder Road," the Mother's Day walk across The Taxpayers' Bridge, and now the Boston Pops playing in The southbound Taxpayers' Tunnel on the eve of its opening: If there's one thing the agents for the Boston Taxpayers have perfected, it's the art of throwing a party for themselves.

However, to avoid spending** more taxpayers' US Federal Reserve Note fiat currency units for yet another ribbon-cutting celebration, the agents have recruited The promotions-minded Taxpayers' Bank to foot the '250,000 US Federal Reserve Note fiat currency unit' bill for the concert by the Boston Pops Esplanade Orchestra, which will be conducted by taxpayer Keith and is scheduled for 11 a.m. Friday, Dec. 19.

** Ed. Note - Not mentioned is exactly how much the taxpayers will be paying for 'security' for this event. More about 'security' below. Surely, The Taxpayers' Bank will not be picking up that tab.

The performance will take place 65 feet underground, in the middle of The southbound Taxpayers' Tunnel near the new exit ramp for South Station. The 1,480 agents and 520 taxpayers expected to attend will walk down that exit ramp into the tunnel, which is actually fairly quiet when there is no construction equipment or traffic moving through it.

"We've definitely played in worse places," taxpayer Keith said at a press conference in the tunnel yesterday, during which he wore a hard hat.

The concert will also be broadcast on giant screens set up in South Station, Copley Square, and City Hall Plaza.

An agent for the Boston Taxpayers said the performance by the Pops was an appropriately unusual and striking way to mark the project's last major milestone - the total estimated taxpayer cost for the project is 14,600,000,000 US Federal Reserve Note fiat currency units.

Certain agents have been maestro-ing these opening celebrations, believing that each milestone is an opportunity to get the taxpayers excited about the engineering marvel that is The Taxpayers' Bridge and to divert attention from cost overruns and delays.

These certain agents' offices are adorned with poster-sized photographs of the taxpayers' walking through The completed northbound Taxpayers' Tunnel and on The Taxpayers' Bridge.

These same certain agents have presided over three "opening parties" this year: The Taxpayers' Tunnel in January, The northbound Taxpayers' Tunnel in March, and now The southbound Taxpayers' Tunnel. These same certain agents also made the most of the completion of The signature Taxpayers' Bridge, with both the Mother's Day walk "opening party" in May 2002 and a dedication "opening party" featuring Bruce Springsteen in October 2002.

Here is the Opening Party chronology to date:
The May 2002 Taxpayers' Bridge Mother's Day Walk Opening Party.
The October 2002 Taxpayers' Bridge Dedication & Walk Opening Party
- with special guest taxpayer Bruce.
The January 2003 Taxpayers' Tunnel Opening Party.
The March 2003 Taxpayers' Northbound Tunnel Opening Party.
The December 2003 Taxpayers' Southbound Tunnel Opening Party.

The Taxpayers' Bank spokes-taxpayer Melodie* said the bank will give away 500 tickets to the Pops concert to taxpayers on a first-come, first-served basis. Those interested should call the The Taxpayers' Banks' taxpayers' affairs office during business hours at 617-725-5840 by Dec. 8. (The remaining 1,500 attendees will be about 1,480 agents and about 20 taxpayer-reporters... not to mention an unspecified number of agents in special uniforms carrying loaded guns.)

An agent said the concert is a ticketed event for 'security' reasons.

* Ed. Note - Melodie - Please make sure that taxpayer ironworker Joe Haugh and his taxpayer wife and soon-to-be taxpaying and drafted children receive tickets. Thanks in advance Melodie.


posted by Mr. X | permalink

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